Monkey See, Monkey Do (a Self Inflicted Threat)

March 19 (Monday 11pm)

I knew waking up at 4:30 in the morning and dozing back to sleep for another one and one half hours to no avail; something was going on in my head. True enough, I’m having one of those anxiety attacks. I’ve long acknowledged that this thing I have (anxiety) is chronic and I just couldn’t do anything about it. Even when I’ve been trying hard enough to brush it off, it just wouldn’t stop to visit me every now and then. I even listen to Michael Buble’s rendition of what a beautiful world every time I’m having this anxiety attack, but nothing really helps at all. I’ve been having a healthy diet, took organic meds – something about brain vitamin but it just won’t leave me, no sir, and it lurks around ready to attack me even when things are quite a-ok.

So what am I talking about? I think this has got something to do with the way things are even when I already thought that I’ve passed the quarter life crisis and that was what 2 or 3 years ago? I guess until I resolve what I really want to do with my life – something about doing what I ought to be doing, I will be stuck with it. And looking at how things are now, I could only hope that I’ll figure it out soon before I’ll do something STU P-I-D to myself. I’ve already had my fair share of mistakes and I know somehow, I’ve learnt from it. But why am I in this shit again? - This evil self asking me to claim my life (or the lack of it), the ultimate end to all my misery!

The irony upon contemplating this whole thing is that I still look forward to something. May it be dragging myself to work or amusing myself to anything mundane, still leads to living it the way I should be dealing with it. I entertain the idea yet I cringe over it at the same time. When I come to think of it, perhaps, I really don’t want to end it. It’s just one of those cruel intentions to delight the other side of my life. Lacking as it may seem, this self threat probably is one of those mechanism to contrast what I don’t appreciate at the moment and in the process learn to embrace it altogether even when it means hating it, but still translates to feeling the flow of life. And it isn’t that numb enough to have that conviction to do something I won’t even have the chance to regret if done successfully.

I hope they come up with one of those dummy/idiot books that goes: ENDING IT THE RIGHT WAY FOR DUMMIES! Where, you know, they’d articulate it and narrate a step by step easy way of doing it and you’ll be such in a trance that it’s as easy as Monkey see, Monkey do approach…

But hey, I’m writing it here, so don’t worry about it! It goes to show that I’m done with it for the day and after I sleep over it tonight – I’ll post this tomorrow and that literally means I survived tomorrow’s yesterday (couldn’t even count how many times I survived it)… I see skies of blue, clouds of white, the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night, and I think to myself WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD…

Dream Granted

I kinda miss my job as an editor in dubai. A job that i only thought possible in my dreams but dubai has given me the opportunity to experience it at least for a while. I was afraid at the beginning that I might not be able to do it as my experience is totally different from being an english editor and matter of fact is, I'm not even a journalism graduate. What are the odds of getting the same kinda job if I applied here in the Phils with its highly critical readers?  But as it turned out, arabs were easy to please (in terms of the way i write) and doesn't have a clue that there is a style in writing for public-consumption-reading more than the grammar.  

It's not that I was given the chance to write interesting stories or opinion- the publication i was connected with caters to the insurance industry of the entire middle east region and who reads insurance magazine? But I miss the feel of it! It was a total hell when I was working in the office with my arab boss around, but as soon as i get out on field attending press conferences, seminars/fora/symposia, and what-have-you, i was awed with my interaction with other nationalities during those events. Met a lot of different people and most of them executives from insurance companies in the middle east and some were from france, japan, us and where-else. I felt how it was like being a journalist-conducting interviews, promoting the magazine, and to my surprise I actually find the conferences interesting even when all they talked about was insurance.

I also liked the fact that while having these events, I had to wear coat and tie as if it was a normal thing for me to wear and being with people who means business. I couldn't forget the first ever interview i've conducted and it was with a powerful man from AIG -President & CEO American International Underwriters (AIU), Nicholas Walsh. I was like in a panic and at the same time trying to sort my questions without even listening to what he has to say - well, i had my recorder- but wasnt able to make follow up questions only because I was overwhelmed and at the same time intimidated by this influential man. What was also good about it were the hotels where they held the events. Shangrila (Dubai and Oman-palace like shangrila), Dusit, Al Murooj Rotana, Fairmont and its hotel food -was quite an experience I would say. I missed the chance to go to Burj Al Arab though (the 7 star hotel) since this egyptian (my supervisor) picked a fight with me on the day that we're supposed to attend a press conference in that hotel - that pig!

I wish I could write better! I wish I can transcribe my train of thought into a competent-journalist-style of writing. And if that happens, i would love to make a career shift here in manila. But that's far from reality so I'll probably just stick to the job that I have now. I'm just glad to have been given the chance to work with something I'm passionate about even when it meant that i went through hell during those miserable months working with idiots.

Coffee Bean Incident

I’m a coffee turned tea lover. Back when I was addicted with starbucks, injecting myself a daily dose of hot mocha/mocha frap to satisfy my starbucks stricken caffeine craving or the plain strong bitterness of Figaro brewed coffee to dilate my viens, I had to wane myself from it last year as a mug of starbucks cost utterly insane in dubai. I had to settle to Micky Dees Dhs5 brewed coffee or around PhP70 in our currency. Then, one time I got a sip of Moroccan tea and instantly fell in love with it and eventually my buds learnt to appreciate every tea there is. Besides, dubai is more of a tea country than coffee as most people prefers tea over coffee and served in offices more often than not.

So when I came back, I stumbled upon Coffee Bean in Ortigas park which is near Union Bank Plaza and occasionally, I’d treat myself with a Moroccan Tea. So I figured, with a great smoker-friendly ambiance and the authentic taste of its Moroccan tea and the refreshing Swedish Berry tea, I turned my back from starbucks altogether and agreed with myself that Coffee Bean would be my new favorite coffee shop while still patronizing Mc Donald’s Brewed coffee on common days. The difference I noticed though was that the barista were quite unfriendly and bland but heck, with its great teas I kept coming back in Coffee Bean Ortigas Park (the only shop I’ve been to) – until last Friday, that is.

I noticed at 9pm, they were understaffed, only two barista in the counter but usually starbucks also does often employs 2 during night shift. And for no reason, whatsoever, this staff and by the way, they’re alien to name tags, so I didn’t get this girl’s name – started slamming the cabinet and prepared my tea with a heavy hand. To my surprise, she took a teabag from the jar and just deliberately threw it on top of the side counter without placing it on a saucer or anything that is sanitized, placed it on a cup and poured hot water in it as if it was coming from the faucet of hell. So I stared at her with an elaborate grimace thinking that I didn’t ignite anything that would make her act the way she did when I was paying at the counter or maybe she noticed my frowns and I have every reason to, as it takes very long for them to take orders and payments, the works even when they see that the queue is piling up and I’ve already experienced this several times. Compare it to starbucks and people there have so much energy and drive where the alternate barista would take orders before your turn and prepares the drink even when you haven’t made payment to the cashier yet.

I didn’t say anything and took the tea to savor my last taste of it. I don’t intend to come back, unless the urgency is really there to drip my bud with that Moroccan tea, and I’m looking for a replacement so let me know if you know any alternative, or when I have my complaint coursed to the customer service to report the incident. Perhaps, she just had the one-of-those-days mood. And I do understand that since I am often attacked by such mood even without any reason – JUST-ONE-OF-THOSE-FREAKIN-DAYS! But the thing is, my work is not associated with customer service and that’s the primary reason why I chose to be a banker (not in the frontline) but in the shadows of the head office because I don’t want to deal with customers – NO sir, I just can’t! I’m no people pleaser that’s why I’m better off in the backstage than doing the front act. So for this unhappy employee of coffee bean who was serving last February 9 at around 9:30 pm ortigas park outlet, better put your acts together, my friend, or find another job. You might as well be better off as dishwasher or something that does backdoor operations! To the coffee bean and tea leaf phils inc management, it’s not that you have the monopoly of the industry – remember that customer satisfaction goes beyond product satisfaction. So, starbucks – I’m back! Baristas in the podium (used to go daily there as it is right in front of my former office – and would often greet me by name and readily puts a warm smile which quite affects my mood during my one-of-those-days visits) are the best.

300 The movie.

I just watched the last full show of 300 the movie at the podium. What can I say, Great stunts, reverberating sound effects, awesome animation and editing, cinematic at its best! ASTIG! The film inspired me to want to become a Spartan… While watching the trailer, I got excited as there are a handful of much awaited movies for the coming months. Transformers – wow, reliving my cartoon days in the 80’s –while watching the clip, I had my childhood coming back and it’s reincarnating transformers in the present time. Ocean’s 13 is also something to look forward to while I’m still thinking if I would watch shrek something in the big screen or watch it in the DVD instead – wasn’t really into shrek thing but the trailer looks interesting- same thing with simpsons the movie in 2D.

Filipino movie goers are finally becoming more intelligent and civilized. Back when I had a taste of THX in glorietta when I first came here in manila and that was what 2000, I have refused to watch in shoemart unless of course if I’m in Davao as it has the only nice theatre there is in that part of the city. But during those THX days in glorietta, you’d still occasionally hear mobiles beeping or people blatantly talking to the whole movie goers and often witness people shhhsng or cussing other people because of their behavior where such behavior is common only in SM cinemas or the same quality type of movie houses. And there comes powerplant and greenbelt and all those nice theatres and people are finally acting the way they should be. I noticed earlier in podium, there was no unnecessary distraction except for one person who came in the middle of the movie and one old man who can’t hold his bladder any longer. Perhaps it was because people were fixated in the movie as it was jaw-dropping, but I’d like to think that people have finally learnt to respect other movie goers. Oh by the way, I should stop thinking lowly of SM as it already houses the only IMAX in the Philippines in MOA although that I have to try yet – perhaps when angels and demons will be shown (are they making the movie already?) or another spiderman or x-men or superman or what have you, give it to us HOLLYWOOD!

Ok till my next blog… still have a book to finish reading for this weekend.

Way of Life

It's friday and the week passed without much incident except the daily monotone of my miserable pathetic life. I feel miserable yet I don't find much wrong about my current state… I'd rather have a defined problem than one that is only formed in my mind and not knowing what exactly is wrong, for that matter.

What I know of is that there is something in me, something lacking, that I am trying to figure out what. Purpose? Come on, I don't wanna start being philosophical now. It's friday for chrisakes! See, I even argue with myself. It happens —–> a lot of times. Crazy yet I have succumbed to the fact that this is how i operate. I tried different approaches in dealing with things or say, conditioning my mind to a certain perspective, but I tend to find myself back from where I started. Thus, anxiety cripples me and takes my sanity away. I sound like some lunatic blogger - please don't creep out on me. Sometimes, I say/write things at my own amusement yet, a lot of people misunderstands it - probably i was born with an out of this world humor of some sort.

As I said, it's friday and in this part of the world, it's but normal to hang out or wind up somewhere to relax and take the whole stressful week out of the system. But i don't have a plan. For the 2 months of being back in manila, i seem to have become aloof to people to a certain extent  although i still try to keep in touch but nothing like before I left where hanging out with friends even on a weekday is but normal.

I used to admire people who follows strict routine. Time, budget, activities, etc. - some people are just afraid to pick random activities without planning ahead, nay, even when they don't have plans at the moment where a random possible activity is coming there way. However creepy i might  find it, i still admire the discipline. This my friend, is what i'm trying to do with my life now. I am trying to follow a routine, effortful, but i'm hoping that it will be habit forming that will totally become a way of life.

But the fact is, i find it dull and BORING! I don't know until when i can hold on to this way of life that i'm trying to acquire, but wish me luck here… It's 5pm and I'm preparing my way out the office! Have a nice weekend.

Gloom

There's nothing like a gloomy morning! Just the way I like it- gloomy without the rain. I don't know, maybe it comes with my personality- the pessimist negative thinker trying deeply hard to look at the bright side of things. Today I AM ALIVE! Hope the weather stays that way for a long time…

Half of the day passed and I'm almost done with my work - low volume today… Will have reason again to think whatever it is to think about. For the recent days, i've been on a wanderlust. Suddenly, I feel the urgency to go anywhere but here in my heating chair now. I'm thinking of boracay and the crisp breeze, or even just tagaytay and starbucks (great combination). My mind's floating somewhere in Jumeirah Beach watching people fishing. I'm recollecting the feel of being in Kish Island (Iran) biking and smoking sheesha under the tree, in front of the beach. I'm revisiting the memories of being in Muscat, Oman with its breathtaking mountains and it's palace-like Shangrila Hotel. I could go on and on and even daydream of being in a place where i've never been to.

 I've always been fascinated and amazed with the foreign places. I remember during my early age, I'd often read an atlas that i have with it's maps sideprinted with photos of people, colorful things, breath taking sites of nature, and gigantic buildings of each countries. During those days, I'd totally be lost in the places narrated in the book and often wonder of  how it would be like living in each countries. I could remember having United Kingdom as my favorite place in that atlas because it talked of queens and monarchy and shit about UK/Great Britain.

 This and my restless, adventurous nature made me fell in love with Dubai as it is, because it is multi-cultural -being hospitable enough to host, i guess, all nationalities in the world. And the sites and sounds -exotic and modern rolled in one. I could dream on and on, and wish of not ever coming back to my senses…

Start working, damn it!

I'm creating another blog. Not that i'm being evicted from friendster or something, just happens that i don't have easy access to that site as it is being blocked here in the office. So i figured, why not open an account where i could have a daily access and probably write something that comes out of my thoughts,  and when it happens, i could capture it accurately as it flows. It's tad hard sometimes, you know, having the kind of mind that i have. At times, it gets so restless that even the minute of things, i can draw a lot of ideas out of it. On the other hand, i don't have a point of comparisson as i have this brain with me since birth, so i don't know. Perhaps, it's better to dwell on the idea that maybe, all the others operate the way my brain does so i won't get to see myself weird and creep the hell out from myself.

My other account, just to record it here, is ****. I haven't memorized the URL for the blog itself but the link for my friendster blog is there. Sometimes, i recollect at the previous entries I've written there for the past year and i get to see myself arguing with my own ideas and stuff.

So what have I been up to… I'm back in manila already for 2 months and 4 days. And I have been employed with unionbank for 1 month and 18 days. Glad i got a job that soon, as I would've caused havoc over the world with my lunacy and depression after coming back from dubai still with a bit of frustration for not being able to hold on that long. I've kept in touch with my syrian office friend (the only one i have in the office), and still we wonder how awful our employer was (is on his part as he is still connected there). They were able to hire an indian editor for the magazine i used to write and edit for and didn't even last for a week as the local abdulrahman has fired him that soon. According to mohammad, he hears abdulrahman admitting that i was the best editor he ever had (i'm not bragging) but what i couldn't understand is that the way he treated me during my entire employment with this monkey was way way terrible. I was treated like a rubbish, reason for me to leave the company without making formal cancellation of my visa, and the works because i had to fight him- I JUST HAD TO. It's like escaping from a prison of some sort and here I am somewhat having some regrets thinking that if I only extended my patience a lil bit more, i would've been enjoying the privilege of living in Dubai until  now.

Oh well, here I am again with my narrations. Seriously, I appreciated that country so much only when I was back here in the pitiful living condition of my homeland. Sad, but something that has ticked a certain realization somewhere in the realms of my mind that I consider submitting myself into overhauling. Will talk more about it with my next visit here. In the meantime, it's 8:40am. Work damn it!