Monkey See, Monkey Do (a Self Inflicted Threat)

March 19 (Monday 11pm)

I knew waking up at 4:30 in the morning and dozing back to sleep for another one and one half hours to no avail; something was going on in my head. True enough, I’m having one of those anxiety attacks. I’ve long acknowledged that this thing I have (anxiety) is chronic and I just couldn’t do anything about it. Even when I’ve been trying hard enough to brush it off, it just wouldn’t stop to visit me every now and then. I even listen to Michael Buble’s rendition of what a beautiful world every time I’m having this anxiety attack, but nothing really helps at all. I’ve been having a healthy diet, took organic meds – something about brain vitamin but it just won’t leave me, no sir, and it lurks around ready to attack me even when things are quite a-ok.

So what am I talking about? I think this has got something to do with the way things are even when I already thought that I’ve passed the quarter life crisis and that was what 2 or 3 years ago? I guess until I resolve what I really want to do with my life – something about doing what I ought to be doing, I will be stuck with it. And looking at how things are now, I could only hope that I’ll figure it out soon before I’ll do something STU P-I-D to myself. I’ve already had my fair share of mistakes and I know somehow, I’ve learnt from it. But why am I in this shit again? - This evil self asking me to claim my life (or the lack of it), the ultimate end to all my misery!

The irony upon contemplating this whole thing is that I still look forward to something. May it be dragging myself to work or amusing myself to anything mundane, still leads to living it the way I should be dealing with it. I entertain the idea yet I cringe over it at the same time. When I come to think of it, perhaps, I really don’t want to end it. It’s just one of those cruel intentions to delight the other side of my life. Lacking as it may seem, this self threat probably is one of those mechanism to contrast what I don’t appreciate at the moment and in the process learn to embrace it altogether even when it means hating it, but still translates to feeling the flow of life. And it isn’t that numb enough to have that conviction to do something I won’t even have the chance to regret if done successfully.

I hope they come up with one of those dummy/idiot books that goes: ENDING IT THE RIGHT WAY FOR DUMMIES! Where, you know, they’d articulate it and narrate a step by step easy way of doing it and you’ll be such in a trance that it’s as easy as Monkey see, Monkey do approach…

But hey, I’m writing it here, so don’t worry about it! It goes to show that I’m done with it for the day and after I sleep over it tonight – I’ll post this tomorrow and that literally means I survived tomorrow’s yesterday (couldn’t even count how many times I survived it)… I see skies of blue, clouds of white, the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night, and I think to myself WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD…