Forgiving my Father by Forgiving Myself
June 8, 2007It was sometime in June of 2002 or 2003 (I’m not sure about the date) when I received a call from my sister to fly immediately home to Davao since I was already working here in Manila and that I need to be there fast since my father who was suffering from colon cancer had only a week left to live according to the doctor. I was already able to write something similar to this in my previous blog but to clear it out here, my father and I never really had a father-son relationship except for some vague memory I had with him when I was a child. So going home at that time was more of an obligation than a concern or to put it more clearly, I had to drag myself and forced to pack my things up since I was already enjoying my job and my stay here in Manila. Still carrying a baggage full of hang-ups with him, staying in Davao and waiting for his death was such burden. I even sent an sms to one of my friends when after a week of still being alive, saying, “ang tagal naman mamatay ng tatay ko (it’s taking too long for my father to die *in a grouchy tone)”. I know a lot of people were saying how bad of a son I was when I relayed this incident. And I would always defend myself that he was never a father to me so how can I become a son to him other than being a biological father? But at that moment, it was the exact sentiment I was feeling - for him to die sooner and end his suffering as well as my suffering from boredom. No, he didn’t leave us for another family nor did I grow up without him around. In fact, he was always physically there but in my eyes he was invisible. He was a quiet man who took good care of his fighting cocks. Hell, he was even more affectionate to his roosters, grooming them every so often, but had never expressed some physical affection to his own children. So the gap between him and me grew and a huge wall was built until I found myself in his death bed trying to break a huge barrier asking that he’d be forgiven for whatever it was that he had done wrong. It was not a dramatic scene as you would’ve seen people dying in movies -fighting to utter the remaining words he has left in the world. While I could only feel pity for his suffering, I was indifferent but was trying really hard to understand him and gave my remark of forgiveness just so, you know, he would die in peace.
He talked to everyone of us who was present, and we were there at his last gasp of breath. And there he was, at peace! And there I was, as well, still alive at that moment trying to resolve all my hang-ups. It would’ve been hard for me to write these things if I have not forgiven him. But I think I’ve already outgrown the anger. Those were the growing pains that I had to endure. I don’t know if it comes with age and maturity but I could only look back… Now, I understood that he was also merely just a victim of himself and his fate. He might never really know how to show his affection and felt hopeless for not fully able to provide his obligations. As I recall now, he was actually playful and close to my nephews and nieces. Maybe, those were his ways to make up for his deficiencies with his own children. As I started to grasp deeper into my life and experience life’s realities and its brutal jests, somehow, I understood - perhaps, not fully, but one of those mysterious acceptance that suddenly runs through you. I’m writing this as recently my officemate reminded me that father’s day is approaching. I can’t recall greeting my father on a father’s day, but perhaps, this would be my way of remembering him. Something that may not be heard by someone who has long gone buried, but maybe this is something that I owe to myself and give it a full closure, that, I had forgiven myself for the lack of understanding, and that I too was merely just a victim of my own anger.
Previous Comments
Hi dy! on the other hand, I think it’s through this angst that I was able to rise above the ordeal. I’m making an effort to make myself better. I know there’s no way to undo the past but perhaps, when my time comes to have a family of my own, i’ll be more conscious not to let history repeat itself. Sometimes its just a matter of trying hard to understand even if sometimes still there’s no reasonable way of explaining things. and I’m glad that you’re trying to understand your father.
thanks for reading my entry. hope it could help those who are experiencing the same thing one way or another and still have time to make amends and improve their relationship with the family. cheers! 
I commend you for being able to forgive. That’s the first step to healing. I hate to sound like im psychobabbling, so i’ll just say… life is really beautiful
Hi Larry! I can’t say I blame you coz I can totally relate. It must be our age (I’m 29) and being products of Gen X, I notice a certain trend in our generation. We usually have deep-seated family hang-ups and angsts that we try to deal with everyday. I’m glad you have learned to forgive your father. Maybe, you can teach me some time on how to really do that or does it just come naturally at the right place and right time?
TAKE CARE!!!
Posted by Sexy Nomad at June 8, 2007, 12:30 pm@madwoman: thanks and i think it’s high time for me to end this chapter and move on. as life being really beautiful, that i’m still trying to probe and find the real sense of it. I was reading your entry regarding life’s little pleasures, i think i really need to learn to appreciate mundane things and from there start with the search for ultimate happiness.
@Sexy Nomad: I guess we were a product of parents (generation x) that were not really well informed. If you come to think of it, a lot of the new parents nowadays are well informed about parenting and stuff. and I guess, it wasn’t their fault either that they were not properly educated about these things. So I figure you’re also having the quarter-life crisis thing? Most of the people within our age group - along with my friends, are actually experiencing the same things.
As to how I was able to go through it - anger - it just died a natural death. I don’t know, maybe because as I’m going through the process of tasting the bitter twist and turns of my life, I come to realize that each of us are going through these battles within ourselves and I think through it, I was able to see my father’s own battles that he might have never won.
Posted by larrybored at June 8, 2007, 2:12 pmawww… I really thought that my probs were as big as those hollywood superstars people from all parts of the planet earth praise… But then, I was wrong… Good for you to realize something eventhough it was just too little too late… It’s better to be late than never! Cheers to you Larry!
Very touching and moving Larry. You got us all.
You are very brave to share it, with such honest writing.
janete
Posted by Janete cabral at June 9, 2007, 3:06 pmLarry, you made me cry with your story.i can feel the pain you’ve experienced.. i can relate it somehow but i cant imagine your anger to your father…good thing that you have forgiven him…I hope your learning from your experience…for now the best thing you can do is to offer a prayer or a mass to your dad….in that way he can have a peaceful soul..
Posted by sedate at June 12, 2007, 2:47 amnice!
Posted by UGG sale at February 8, 2010, 4:46 pm“speedy” is known as Louis Vuitton’s iconic line. Every arranged bags were very interesting. Louis Vuitton Matsuya Ginza Store done renewal and displays their “speedy” archives over past years
louis vuitton shoes
Links of London is very creative, unique, pandora pandorathe most exquisite craft and the perfect combination of high-quality materials. pandora jewelry pandora jewelryIt introduces stunning new products, combining design and function, pandora braceletoffering customers a blend of modern, pandora beads pandora beadsclassic and unexpected products. Having Links of London, pandora bracelets pandora braceletswinning you true love!
Posted by suen at June 9, 2010, 6:48 pmBecause of its high standards and tiffany jewellery tiffany jewelleryother requirements for quality, the brightness of each diamond is particularly tiffany and co tiffany and cocavernous and glaring, irresistible. tiffany jewellery uk tiffany jewellery ukTiffany had been popularized all over the world since 1890, tiffany uk tiffany ukand it became the favorite of upper class and mademoiselles.tiffany engagement rings tiffany engagement rings The world famous brands, like Tiffany, have issued their new designs of 2009. tiffany bracelet tiffany braceletI confirm that most of us will be crazy about them.tiffany necklace tiffany necklace
People from different places in the world tiffany bracelets tiffany braceletshave their own preference to every kind of thing in all ages. tiffany necklaces tiffany necklacesThat is because they live in different circumstances and tiffany earrings tiffany earringsaccept different cultures and traditions.tiffany rings tiffany ringsBut what is amazing is that all the people in the world tiffany charms tiffany charmshave the same idea or concept about the trend of fashion.tiffany pendants tiffany pendants
Posted by suen at July 19, 2010, 8:19 pm
ei, my mom is working in UAE too… anyway, this is a sad story… to tell you frankly tears fell from my eyes while reading this… yes, im not that close to my dad but he is doing his best to reach out and I can see his efforts… i dont why but i know theres a reason for everything…. i hope in due time you will know… tc! =)
Posted by dy at June 8, 2007, 10:14 am