How Can I Make it Right?
April 28, 2007Wits and Ibyang have asked me why I haven’t posted a new entry recently, and while I have chosen to slack off and stalk other people’s blogs during the past week, I wasn’t really well to scribble some of my thoughts. Remember that I posted an entry “fitting for new jeans”, it’s still the same subject that has been causing me so much anxiety.
Let me put it this way. I feel like an ex-convict that has recently been freed from jail. Do you know how the world deals with criminals who have served their term in prison? We normally see them as rubbish which we consider as bad news and have no way that they could change. Thus, a chance for a job or acceptance from family and friends will always be in question. While I am far from being a criminal, I definitely am feeling like one who has recently been released from jail.
I’ve done my fair share of mistakes, yes. Professionally, I’ve taken steps which aren’t a norm from security-tenure-driven-people. I took negligible risks which I used to think were calculated risks. I’ve experimented and considered the road that I took as trial and error. But I’m at an age where chasing time is essential and more accurate decisions should be made.
I WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT THIS TIME. I have no reason to despise the company that I’m with right now but I don’t personally think that this is the environment that will give me personal growth and satisfaction. And why do I feel like an ex-convict? I feel like someone who can’t be trusted no matter what I say because for the 5th time, I want to leave my company, and have been applying for a job. As of the moment I have 2 pending applications. And the reactions of people around me were more of sheer disbelief and not-again kinda remarks.
I said I want to make it right this time. Right in a sense where I don’t want to waste my time, and find the environment that suits me as early as now, before I will say in the future that I made the wrong move to stay. I’m stating the obvious here with my own perspective. While I’m the only one who can answer more or less what it would take me to be satisfied with a company, there’s no denying that I consider what the people around me has to say. This time I know what I want and I certainly have identified the factors why I think I should leave, and that joining either of the 2 companies that I applied with will make me stay longer with them. I don’t want to narrate it here, but believe me; I’ve done my assignment in evaluating it. Time is the only thing where I can prove myself that I’m right to have decided to make it right. Why am I making the effort to search for opportunities if it’s not for my betterment? That, in the first place, is reason enough to say that I’m not out to ruin myself.
One of my friends said, “kung madami trabaho, reklamo. Kung wala naman trabaho, reklamo pa rin.” I beg to disagree. You can ask every person I’ve worked with and it has never really my habit to whine about the volume of work. Yes, when someone would ask, how my job is– certainly I’d reply, by fact, that we have high volume but it was never in a whining way. But now I’m whining about the lack of volume, because it is hard to kill time staring at the screen for 8 hours, and there’s no way that they could justify a promotion come appraisal because we don’t have a lot of work to substantiate that. I don't want to maintain this status quo and be comfortable - I don't operate well in this kind of environment - although I could still hold on to this mediocrity for a little more time. What kind of growth would I be expecting here people?
During the past week as well, I have been detached from the world. It’s one of those moments where I feel so disconnected and isolated from myself and the people around me. The irony is that (and I just observed it this week) it is when I am so disconnected that I am most aware of my surroundings. For instance, I was walking along my usual going home route and I could almost see myself as someone separate from me, walking and striding but isn’t really one with my being. It’s like I see myself as another person totally separate from my thoughts. But it is during these moments that I am sharp and keen to the point of being aware at the minute details around me. I was able to see the details of the pattern in the path walk. I was aware of the people I was crossing a path with, and add to that the music coming from my mp3 – everything was like in a surreal dream. Imagine watching a movie with a man on the scene walking his usual way home and with the music of My Chemical Romance’s I don’t love you as a soundtrack. That’s what I experienced one night this week as if I was watching myself walk but still is clearly aware of everything around me as a third person. It’s a creepy kind of “awareness”. What I’m trying to deduce here is that, it is when I feel isolated and detached that I am able to think clearly about my life. Given my current anxieties and detachment, I know that I am keen now at how to go about my life given my detachment from the world.
By the way the company I’ve mentioned in my previous entries already called. They were asking if I’m still interested because they have made some changes for the vacancy including the cancellation of sending the person to be hired to Australia as they would send a trainer from Australia instead to Manila. And oh, this other foreign bank I applied with is also located in Makati. I’ve already passed the exams and have done all the screening. I’m just waiting for a call for the next step. I don’t want to assume yet, but if ever both companies will offer me the job at the same time… hmmm lemme decide when I’m there. Until I haven’t signed any papers yet, anxiety will surely cripple me for the coming days.
Gory Reality
April 11, 2007As I was articulating through my thoughts, halfway through my composition, the PC suddenly shunned itself without warning! Bummer! So I have to write again ruining the sunny disposition I had when I woke up this morning. I was about to narrate about how I feel with the application I have. I think, although still hoping, the position has been filled by another candidate and I have to move on keeping an eye for another opportunities that will come along. This is the first time I have been rejected with my application, well, here in the Philippines, at least (and I'm saying this with humility). This is one of those, you know, things where you really want it so bad that as you thought you almost got it, then comes the reality - I didn't get it (denied, rejected, lost, sucked)! And the feeling of frustration is so intense, however I might rationalise that I lost nothing - besides, I still have a job. But no, I lost a great opportunity here and I am mourning the loss. I need to move on, really have to move on.
Where was I during the long holidays? With bob's insistent invitation to go with them to his wife's (Agnes) province in Nueva Ecija, I went with them last thursday and left the next day coz I didn't want to stay there until Monday and that I don't wanna take a bus either and it so happened that my friend who is also from there was going back to Manila, so I found myself a ride the next day. It was relaxing. There's nothing like a life in the province. I grew up from the province as well, remember? Although now, I couldn't imagine myself going back and work in my hometown perhaps, until I get tired of this fast paced environment and ready to embrace the laidback life once again. Had sumptuous hearty meals during my stay there- fresh fish, appetizing veggies, couldn't remember when the last time I had such healthy food.
It was also the first time I witnessed one of those rituals they practise, mostly I think in north Luzon, during holy week - people having a so called penitence, walking barefooted in the intense heat of the sun, and hitting their backs with one of those (i dont know what it's called) wooden sticks attached to a string. I tell you it was GORY! I have nothing against it but I found it a bit pathetic. For entertainment purposes, it was something that I was ill prepared for. I’ve seen people doing it in the television, but seeing it live- there’s something poignantly tragic with the scene. I overheard one of the locals pointing at one of the participants who have the bloodiest back, "Siguro malaki kasalanan niya". Say what? If it is one of the morbid ways of justifying and doing away with the things we’ve done wrong, I would’ve been the first to inflict one-time pain and kill myself! Just so you know, I can end this game after having been satiated and fed up with everything there is, or isn’t, in my life now. Which had me thinking, why do people engage in penitence while life itself is already it? Another thing I observed while there, a house was hosting a pabasa (chanting/or is it singing a prayer for the passion of christ) over and over and beside those old locals praying, another table was drinking beer. Such are the oddities and ironies of our culture. Oh well, so long as it makes our country diverse and colorful, I’m up for it, partly for entertainment. Overall, Nueva experience was relaxing and it was great spending it with my friends (foster parents, if you may).
The rest of the holidays, I spent it at home watching TV, swimming -with the number of kids going to the pool, I could only squirm at what’s in the water, but it was hot, so it was next to nothing that could cool me through while in the condo. And now am back to reality. I’m stuck in the office doing nothing- not my fault having less work to do. I am waiting for my task to arrive. Glad blog’s here to occupy me, reading other people’s journals. As bob coins it, it’s a way of stalking. True, but that’s one of the reasons we’re blogging, right? To release whatever it is to pour out and hoping people will read it that can relate to our daily undertakings.
Monkey See, Monkey Do (a Self Inflicted Threat)
March 20, 2007March 19 (Monday 11pm)
I knew waking up at 4:30 in the morning and dozing back to sleep for another one and one half hours to no avail; something was going on in my head. True enough, I’m having one of those anxiety attacks. I’ve long acknowledged that this thing I have (anxiety) is chronic and I just couldn’t do anything about it. Even when I’ve been trying hard enough to brush it off, it just wouldn’t stop to visit me every now and then. I even listen to Michael Buble’s rendition of what a beautiful world every time I’m having this anxiety attack, but nothing really helps at all. I’ve been having a healthy diet, took organic meds – something about brain vitamin but it just won’t leave me, no sir, and it lurks around ready to attack me even when things are quite a-ok.
So what am I talking about? I think this has got something to do with the way things are even when I already thought that I’ve passed the quarter life crisis and that was what 2 or 3 years ago? I guess until I resolve what I really want to do with my life – something about doing what I ought to be doing, I will be stuck with it. And looking at how things are now, I could only hope that I’ll figure it out soon before I’ll do something STU P-I-D to myself. I’ve already had my fair share of mistakes and I know somehow, I’ve learnt from it. But why am I in this shit again? - This evil self asking me to claim my life (or the lack of it), the ultimate end to all my misery!
The irony upon contemplating this whole thing is that I still look forward to something. May it be dragging myself to work or amusing myself to anything mundane, still leads to living it the way I should be dealing with it. I entertain the idea yet I cringe over it at the same time. When I come to think of it, perhaps, I really don’t want to end it. It’s just one of those cruel intentions to delight the other side of my life. Lacking as it may seem, this self threat probably is one of those mechanism to contrast what I don’t appreciate at the moment and in the process learn to embrace it altogether even when it means hating it, but still translates to feeling the flow of life. And it isn’t that numb enough to have that conviction to do something I won’t even have the chance to regret if done successfully.
I hope they come up with one of those dummy/idiot books that goes: ENDING IT THE RIGHT WAY FOR DUMMIES! Where, you know, they’d articulate it and narrate a step by step easy way of doing it and you’ll be such in a trance that it’s as easy as Monkey see, Monkey do approach…
But hey, I’m writing it here, so don’t worry about it! It goes to show that I’m done with it for the day and after I sleep over it tonight – I’ll post this tomorrow and that literally means I survived tomorrow’s yesterday (couldn’t even count how many times I survived it)… I see skies of blue, clouds of white, the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night, and I think to myself WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD…
